RIP Dixie, Welcome Rusty

So, I had a couple of days off to catch up on my sleep and everything. I’m doing much better, at least at better as you can expect. I lost a companion on Wendsday evening. My sister (Paula) found that my cat Dixie had died. He had been sick for the last couple of weeks and I took him to the vet on Friday but they didn’t know what was wrong with him. He wasn’t eating and had lost a lot of weight. Well I took it kind of hard because I had, had him since he was just a kitten, he had made the long road trip with us from Mississippi when my dad retired and we decided to move back to Ponca. Well my well wishing mom decides to try and cheer me up by getting my another cat. He’s really pretty his body looks like he is siamese but he has the face and legs like a tabby with black and grey stripes. I decided to name his Rusty. I mean he can’t take the place of Dixie or anything but my mom was only trying to be nice. Well anyways it late. So that’s the update for now.

Nervous Breakdown?

Ok, so I yesterday I went totally biserk. I thought I had finally gotten a handle on my emotions and then suddenly it was like a ton of bricks hit me all at once. I just decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Between my mom, Charlie and Caity I end up hearing the phrase their is nothing you could have done to stop it at least 1000 times a day. So, after about 100 times yesterday I totally went off on my mom. i just don’t get why they are all so worried about me because yesterday I was doing just fine until they kept saying that it wasn’t my fault and that there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening. But anyways, the doctor said I may have had a complete nervous breakdown from being under so much stress and everything, which I wouldn’t doubt. On, a lighter note, it looks like the annual family reunion in august is going to go off without a hitch this year. For the last couple of years at least half of my brothers and sisters haven’t been showing up because they’re mad at either my mom or my dad. Some of them it doesn’t seem like they will every really get over it and have only been showing up because of the fact that my dad’s health is in such bad condition no one really noes how much longer he has. Anyways, that’s the update for now. I have to go get some sleep, because I’m totally burnt out from not sleeping lately.

The aftermath

I went back to work today. I know I didn’t have too, because of everything that’s happened Liz (my manager) told me I could take the day off if I wanted to. But the truth is I didn’t want to be at home today to have to sit and think about it anymore. Charlie’s still in town, he called Lexington Prision, where he works as a gaurd, and told them he had an emergancy and had to stay in Ponca for a couple of days. He’s being so sweet, it kind of reminds me of the good ol’ days back before we broke up when he would hold me while I cried. He has actually been doing this because if I sit in silence for more then a couple of minutes I just burst out in tears. I just hope I run out of tears soon because I don’t think I can cry much more. He convencied Caity to not leave school in California to come down here, because he told her that he can handle it. At times I don’t know how he does. I mean the baby was just as much his as it was mine. I don’t know maybe it’s just easier for him because he wasn’t the one that was pregnant. He isn’t the one that has to worry about what the hell I did wrong to make this happen. Anyways, I have to get off of her before I start crying again.

A very sad day

So I went to the ER yesterday because I’ve been having really bad cramps. I only went because my mom and Charlie wouldn’t shut up about it. I told them it was probably no big deal but I would go anyways just to make them happy. Well the dr. wouldn’t tell me anything for about an hour, all of this time I’m of course freaking out because they wouldn’t tell me anything. Well when they finally did get around to telling me anything, the look on the drs. face spoke a 1000 words before he even said one. I was such a reck on the phone when I called Charlie to tell him about my miscarrage that he drove all the way from Lexington just to make sure I was ok. He even appoligized for everything, and said that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to break up. I told him I would have to think about it when I could actually think straight again. Well me and him went for a long drive after that to basically clear our heads. I told him that I felt like it was my fault because I never really wanted the baby. He just said that it’s not my fault and that we may never know what caused it, and to just leave it up to everything happens in life for a reason. Even though I didn’t really want the baby it feels like I’ve lost a piece of myself that I can never get back. Well that’s the update for now.

a day of bordom and remember whens

So, I called in to work yesterday because of a doctors appointment. Well I basically spent the day watching people do stupid stuff on youtube.  After I found out that they will let ANYTHING on to the internet I decided to call up my best friend Caitlynne (aka Caity) and just have a chat with her. Basically the phone call consited of random saying about everything (like usual) and us going off about remember whens from our time spent at good ol’ guthrie job corps. Well we talked for a long time, and that’s even for us. Well we had to get off the phone because my cell was fixing to die but I told her if she still wanted to chat then I would meet her on the net in 5 minutes. Well to say the least both of us were really bored and so the conversation wouldn’t have made any sense to anyone who doesn’t personally know us and the were our personalitys work when we get bored. Well while I was talking to her Charles (aka Charlie) came online and asked me about my latest drs. appointment. After I explained everything about that to him he said that I had to be really bored because of my said mood. Well after that we basically started web camming each other doing weird stuff like him trying to sing to Britney Spears hit me baby one more time. Now I know none of you have seen Charlie before but you can probably imagion a 19 yr guy singing like that when he is bored out of his mind. I’m trying to get him to post the recording of this on youtube for enjoyment by the masses but I’m not sure whether he will or not because not too many people have seen this side of his personality. But if he does I will make sure and post a link to it on my blog so you can check it out. Anyways, like I said it can tend to  get a little bit interesting when you add bordom in with my friends. We just all have some crazy insane personalitys that we get bored we let them shine through and you get to know the true person that we are. I like these times because it kind of lets us destress ourselves. Well anyways that’s the update.

The averageness of being me!

So, today was my second consecutive day off for this week. It was pretty boring even for me. I basically was so burnt out with having only gotten a couple of hours of sleep a night for the past week. I slept yesterday until like 8pm and today I slept until about 6pm. I have to get up early tomorrow because of it being pay day because I have massive amounts of bills that I have to pay and because I have to work from 3 to midnight tomorrow I have to be up around nine in the morning to go and pick up my check and get all of my bills paid before three when I have to be at work. Well on another note, I slept so late this morning that I missed a lot of calls. Well when I checked my voice mail so I could call everyone back and apologize for not answering when they called the first time. I saw that there was also a voice mail from Charles. I tried calling him back but it went straight to his voice mail. Well when I text messaged him thinking maybe he was just at work and couldn’t pick his phone up. He said he didn’t answer because he was at work just like I had thought but that he could text me if I wanted. Well I got to talking to him about everything that has been going on with me in the last couple of weeks. Including the massive morning sickness and not getting any sleep because every time I do go to sleep I start having these weird freaky dreams about jumping off cliffs and other stuff that is really starting to freak me out. He said that he was sorry and that he feels like this is his fault. I told him it wasn’t entirely his fault because as my mom loves to say it takes two to tango. I explained basically that while it kind of was his fault but that it was also my fault and that no one should take the blame for this because while we might see this as a mistake right now after the baby is born we will just see it as a unexpected blessing in disquise. I guess in a way this has made everything I have done in the past just kind of come in to prospective and make me think about everything that I do more and more now. Well that’s the update for now.

Hello World!!

Hey everyone in the wordpress world. I started writing a long time ago but with all stress caused from my current situation of being 19, single and 3 months pregnant with my first child, I have decided that I am going to go to the world wide web and write in a more public place with more viewers. I’m not like some people who get pregnant at my age I do know who my babys father is. His name is Charles and me and him dated while I was at job corps. Well I left job corps back on march 26th. Me and him did,  like a lot of people who are looking at being hundreds of miles apart do. We promised each other that no matter what we would stay together. Well when I left job corps because I was leaving as a completer I left with over 500 dollars and I decided to send a bus ticket to one of my friends who was homeless and needed a way out in Texas. Well I sent him the ticket and my parents agreed that he could stay with us and crash on our couch until he saved up the money to get his own place. Well when he got here he had a lot of problems finding a job and when he did finally find one it was minanim wage and he was looking at staying with us for a while before he could save up the money for an apt. Well about this time was a couple of weeks after I left and me and Charles were still going strong but when I passed the idea of renting a two bedroom apt and splitting the rent with John. Well to say the very least he went balistic saying it would be so wrong. Well we ended up breaking up because of it. Well since this happened my friend John has moved to OKC to see if he can find a better paying job there and I was starting to think everything was going really good in my life with the new job and the new friends and everything. When suddenly I realize that I’ve missed 2 periods and hadn’t even noticed it until now. Well a couple of days later I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I didn’t really want to face the fact that I was pregnant because then it would mean I would have to break the news to Charles because he was the only person who could be the father. Well I went to the doctor and was also told the same thing and that I was about a 2 months along at the time. Well it took me a while to finally come to terms with this but I left like a billion messages with Charles’ grandparents and told them to have him call me back because it was important. Well it took him a couple of weeks to finally get around to calling me back and when I broke the news to him he basically said it wasn’t his but after explaining that it had to be and how far along i was and everything he finally said ok. Well it’s been about a month since all of this has happened I’m pretty much gotten used to be pregnant and me and Charles are at least talking to each other now. I’m working all the time and so is he but were trying for the sake of our unborn child to make this work some how. I guess from everything that I have said it would sound as though my life is totally out of wack but the truth is it might be and it might not be because I’m just going with whatever happens happens because if i don’t I will got totally insane and need drugs or something to make me sane again. Well thats the update for now. If you want to read some more about my learning that i was pregnant you can read about it at my diaryland journal!!