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So it’s been a bit sense I have wrote an actually update…
Basically, when I messed up my foot last month, they didn’t want to give me a month leave (at least this is what I assume) because when I called the finacial aid women (Ms. Fruits) to ask her when she wanted me to go up there and sign the papers, she said she would get back to me and then the next thing I know I get a call from another women (who works in the attendence department) telling me they were dropping me for lack of attendance, when I had only missed two days before I called her letting her know what was going on. Basically this means that before I can get finacal aid again i will have to pay for a semester of school. Which I can’t afford to do. So I have been trying to find a job, which has been very unsuccessful. I have come to a very BIG conculusion, since I cant go back to job corps until march, then thats how long I am giving myself to find a job, if I dont then I’m gonna go back and take another trade. Its gonna be hard and Im very prepared for this. But I have to do it.
Anyways, that’s the update for now.
I have decided that today will be a somewhat of a get to know me better day…except because as my little brother would put it I’m totally addicted to anything photography related…I’m gonna use pictures to get my point across just a little bit better for you…plus you will get to see some of my all original pictures…of course some of the them have a few photoshop tweaks done to them just to make then more ME…or in the case of some of them just because I was bored at the time and felt like photoshopping something…anyways, some of them have a description below them, and some of them I couldn’t think of anything to say about them…So in the case of them lets just go with the good ol’ saying of a pictures worth a 1000 words…
Peace Love and Happiness:
The 3 things everyone needs in life.
There is actually not any photoshop tweaks in this picture, as hard as it is to believe I actually found this graffti on the side of a building in downtown Ponca and was so moved by it that I had to capture it on film.
Sadly I can’t take credit for this one. I have to say my little brother took this one for his high school photography class. My little brother is a master behind the camera, and he doesn’t like to use photoshop because he says it takes away from the true passion behind the photo. Instead he sets up the picture so that it comes out perfect almost everytime.
This is my very photogenic friend Taylor.
This is actually a picture a friend of mine took. But she wanted it to be sort of like a cartoon version of her so I did a lot of tweaks on it and this is the finished product.
This was created from a bunch of other pictures photoshopped together. I did it on a day that I was out of school with a broken ankle and had massive time to kill, because it took me a couple of hours just to get them all in the right place.
I’ve decided to let you guys in on one of my many passions in life…
I have been writing poetry since I was little and I don’t usually let anyone read them but I have decided that whats the point in writing it if no one is ever going to get to enjoy it…
Anyways, here is a few I wrote over my teenage years…There not in any specific order so they may not make sense if you think of them as being writting one right after another because they weren’t…
Winter Roads
I cannot speak for all who stem
‘Long roads less traveled as their way
Nor question choices made by them
In days long past or nights long dim
by words they spoke and did not say.
Each road is long, though short it seems,
And credence gives each road a name
Of fantasies sun-drenched in beams
Or choices turned to darkened dreams,
To where each road wends just the same.
From North to South, then back again,
I followed birds like all the rest
Escaping nature’s snowy den
On roads I’ve seen and places been,
Forsaking roads that traveled West.
This journey grows now to its end,
As road reflections lined in chrome
Give way to roads with greater bend
And empty signs that still pretend
They point the way to home sweet home.
But all roads lead to where we go
And where we go is where we’ve been,
So home is just a word we know,
That space in time most apropos
For where we want to be again.
For even home, it seems to me,
Is still a choice we all must face
From day to day and endlessly,
To choose if home is going to be
Another road – or just a place.
Let it Fall
One more anti-hero to worship
from the depths
of some enigmatic fool
that left the suburbs
for the open fields
of post modern flight from hell.
No, not from the quakes
or the rumblings of racism,
that stench we all tend
to want to get rid of,
but the fact that there
were just too many things wrong.
So off I went to the last
journey of my youth,
through the pubs and alleys
of Ponca City that serves
many nights of reckless talk
and the establisment be damned.
There goes happy house, scream
and all those open up at 10 pm
party houses, where you paid 5 bucks
to drink yourself to life,
and walk out Saturday morning at 6 am
like the kind demons we were.
And dance the pain that we has
kept for the week
and wonder what 30 would be like
and if the Virgin Prunes
were right about
“If I die I die”.
But then, that love in your soul
the one that makes you write
and pour out those false indignities
that caress your heart and mind
for after all we’ve been through
stars have their moments and then they die.
In times of
My soul drifts aimlessly in times of hopelessness
It searches tirelessly for meaning and truth
Yet finds no direction
My hearts bleeds quietly in times of loneliness.
It yearns to find warmth and happiness…
Yet it somehow eludes me.
My eyes seek out visions in times of want.
They gaze endlessly through the blackness that envelops them…
Yet they cannot see the light.
My ears listen earnestly in times of silence.
They search for familar sounds to comfort and console…
Yet they cannot penetrate the darkness that surrounds me.
My arms reach out frantically in times of despair.
They seek strength and compassion to enfold me…
Yet they find nothing substantial to enwrap.
My mind cries out desperatly in times of solitude.
It poses intence questions that demand answers…
Yet there are none to be found.
***
My hand reaches out earnestly in these times of confustion.
It dials the number of a familar and calming voice
And gratefully, my lifeline to sanity…remains intact.
Drifting
I sometimes find I’m drifting
Through this life without effect;
I often wonder if I’m truy
Worth what I’ve been blessed
I search through days that have been hard,
To try to understand,
The many trials that I have known,
The life that I have had.
You see me in my daily gring,
So confident and strong;
Yet when I am along, I question
Just where I belong.
I often try too hard I find,
To analyze and guess,
To scrutinize, investigate
My life I will confess.
For somewhere deeper, there must be
Some meaning to this life,
Some way to make a difference,
Give a reason for this strife.
Is there some hidden meaning?
Some agenda to be found>
A greater purpose waiting
If I care to hang around?
It teases and it taunts me,
Always slightly out of sight;
A hazy vision out of reach,
Where darkness hides the light.
I struggle to bring clarity
To what awaits me there,
And yet this weak illusion
Always fades before my stare.
It seems the harder that I try,
To focus through the haze,
Just serves to add more questions,
Through my endless, tired gaze.
Perhaps I’m trying just too hard,
To understand it all,
For can we ever truly know
Just what we have in store?
Each incident, each moment passed,
Just adds upon the next,
But in the end, will I find truth…
Or will I be perplexed?
Perhaps I make it harder
Than it has to be sometimes,
But will my searching bring to me
My meaning over time?
Or will it leave me broken,
And confused as I feel now,
While questions bring no solitude,
To this, my wrinkled brow.
Anyways, I’ll perodically post more of my poetry for us guys. Let me know what you think of it.
So, I called the outreach and admissions office for job corps that’s here in ponca a couple of days ago…
But all I got was the women answering machine….
And what has she done…
She hasn’t even called me back to see what it was I called about…
I told my mom that if she didn’t call me back today (which she didn’t) that on Monday I’m gonna call up to job corps and talk to Ms. Short….
Because she is CTS (Career Transition Specialist) for Finance and Business, which makes her my CTS…
So I know that she will answer my phone call, and I will ask her if there is any way I can come back before my year wait is over…
And that if there isn’t is there any way they can put me on the list to go back on March 31, which is the Tuesday after my year, which would be the sooniest I could go back if I have to wait the year.
I don’t see why they would make me wait when the only reason they usually do is because they want you to be able to go back without the stigma of your previous job corps experience.
But since almost everyone is gone that was there when I was, even if I went back early know one would know the kind of person I was the first time.
Anyways, I have been trying to explain for the last couple of days to my mom why it is that I need to go back to job corps and do it right this time, she just doesn’t understand that sometimes I don’t know why I have to do something, just that it has to be done…
Or else it will result in life altering consquences. But then again, I guess you could say either way it is going to result in a life altering situation. But not going will be a bad situation and going will be a good situation…
Anyways, that’s the update for now.
Today, I had a nice long chat with a couple of my friends that are still at job corps. Keeva, Christina and Sarah are really looking forward to me coming back in a couple of months. I even told them what I have been doing for the last few days. I have been calling the outreach and admissions office that’s here in Ponca and asking them if there is any way I can go back now instead of having to wait the four months I have left before I reach my year marker of being gone. It’s not like most of the people I knew there are still there in fact 99% of them are gone and have been for a long time. I think it’s better this way because then I don’t have the reputation I had before hanging over my head the second time and I can just go back and be the good girl I know I can be and everyone will just think that’s how I am. Plus I’m so looking forward to taking Culinary Arts which is actually what I went there for the first time but by the time I got out of there little 6 wk crash course in what rules there are and what has to be followed and basically everything you can and can’t do, anyways, by the time I got out of that there was only one spot left in that trade and my friend Jermey got that spot because we went in alphabetical order by last name and his is Bolding, I wasn’t madd at him or anything because it’s not really anything that could be changed, but since I couldn’t take it then I look forward to taking it now. Anyways,I also found out tonight from my friend Keeva that they maynot make me take that part of it again since I took it the first time I was there. It would be nice not to have to because that would mean I wouldn’t have to be stuck in dorm 26, which is called the newbie dorm by most of the trainees, and I could spend more time trying to get used to the way things will be with my mouth not getting me in trouble like it did when I was there before. I don’t know it would just be nice for a change for the staff not to think I was always thinking of when I would get into trouble the next time and it would also be nice to get to be on TMT, which is student govenment, or at least be a dorm leader which is something I always wanted to be when I was there the first time but couldn’t stay out of trouble long enough to qualify to be one. Anyways, thats the update for now…
I finally made one BIG descicon and believe me my mom has really tried hard to talk me out of it but this time it isn’t going to work…
I have decided that since I messed and can’t get finance aid again for a year that I’m gonna go back to job corps and get another trade….
Plus I really want to do it right this time…
You know not get into any trouble, finally go be that good girl that I know that I can be…
It’s in me somewhere. It just might be somewhere deep deep down inside…
I just hope that they let me come back since I left a completer and didn’t get terminated or anything….
But it’s not like I left on the best of terms with the staff….
But if I don’t figure something out I don’t know what I’m gonna do because I can’t hold down a job…
It doesn’t do me any good to have a GED if I can’t keep a job…
I’ve even talked to a couple of my friends that are still there and they are really looking forward to me coming back…
I told them it wouldn’t be until sometime in late march or early april though because I have to wait a year after I last was there to go back which I left on march 26, 2008 and since they only get new people on tuesdays march 31st would be the earliest I could go back….
At least this is what I’m thinking I’m gonna make a call to them tommorrow and see if there is anyway I can go back before…
But I’m not counting on it happening…
I have also gotten an old friend of mine Justin to come with me…
He needs to go worse then I do but doesn’t want to do it by herself…
Me and Justin have known each other since we where in dipars and it means a lot to him that I would go with him so he wouldn’t be by himself not knowing anyone on the first day…
I told him I needed to go back and get my life on track anyways and I would be glad to do him a big favor…
Anyways, that’s the update for now…
