Return of THE COMPUTER…

Ok, so it’s not technically my computer. I’m renting it from this rent-to-own place and in the end it’s gonna cost me something around $2000 and YES that’s a lot compared to the $800 that I spent on the last one but..the problem is it was either this, go without a computer for a long time or buy a desktop for $300 which is over half of what I make on ONE paycheck…Well the way I look at it I can afford it more this way because when I called my computer repair guy he told me it would cost around $400 to replace the screen in my monitor, and according to what he said the reason that it did what it did was because the liquid in the LCD screen started separting. He said he’s seen it happen before in a lot of the cheaper computers, but that more of the top-of-the-line ones don’t do it. Anyways, Caity’s finally over the whole me telling her mom about her plan to runaway. Of course it might have to do with the fact that she just found out that the student government for all of the job corps around the nation are going to this big thing in Washington D.C and that they have a flight at 6 am. She’s not only excited because it’s one of the few places in the country that she hasn’t been to but also because one of our good friends is in student government in guthrie and since all of them are gonna be there she will get to see her for the first time since she left job corps something like 3 1/2 months ago. But still even though she swears she’s the same old Caity I have this weird feeling that she has something planned and that she had planned on her mom sending her back right in time for the annual student government trip to D.C. Considering that her dad lives something like 200 miles from there and that if she was hiding out with daddy then that would be the last place her mom would ever think to look for her and she could just spend the next 7 months there and then her mom wouldn’t be able to make her come back even if she was to find out where she was. Dang, maybe my mom is right, I am really starting to think that I do worry about other people in my life just a little bit to much anymore. My mom seems to think it’s because since I lost the baby worrying about other people makes it easier for me to make it through the day, and some days I think that she’s probably right. Because when my sister was in the hospital a couple of days ago I really did start to freak and then after a couple of days it turned out that she was just fine and they sent her home. I’m not really sure why I do it I just know that that’s my thing these days. Worrying about other people to keep my own sanity that is. But then somedays I don’t think I’m sane. Losing the baby has really made me rethink everything in life. I mean when I was filling out my last few papers for school in the days right after the miscarriage I thought about changing my mind about what I was taking a good 10 or 20 times. Then yesterday I had to go and get my schedule for classes and clinicals and I found out that my first routation of clinicals is in the matarity ward at the local hospital and I just don’t know if I will be able to handle 3 months around newborns and also at this hospital here they also have the peds ward on the same floor so pretty much you work with every age of child from newborn to 17. I mean I could get it changed if I really wanted to but then again I do love the thought of helping all the kids, I mean that is the main reason I have always wanted to go into the medical field was to work with kids and now I get my chance and I am rethinking it. What is wrong with me, and will I ever be normal again. But anyways that’s my thoughts and the update for now.

The aftermath

I went back to work today. I know I didn’t have too, because of everything that’s happened Liz (my manager) told me I could take the day off if I wanted to. But the truth is I didn’t want to be at home today to have to sit and think about it anymore. Charlie’s still in town, he called Lexington Prision, where he works as a gaurd, and told them he had an emergancy and had to stay in Ponca for a couple of days. He’s being so sweet, it kind of reminds me of the good ol’ days back before we broke up when he would hold me while I cried. He has actually been doing this because if I sit in silence for more then a couple of minutes I just burst out in tears. I just hope I run out of tears soon because I don’t think I can cry much more. He convencied Caity to not leave school in California to come down here, because he told her that he can handle it. At times I don’t know how he does. I mean the baby was just as much his as it was mine. I don’t know maybe it’s just easier for him because he wasn’t the one that was pregnant. He isn’t the one that has to worry about what the hell I did wrong to make this happen. Anyways, I have to get off of her before I start crying again.

A very sad day

So I went to the ER yesterday because I’ve been having really bad cramps. I only went because my mom and Charlie wouldn’t shut up about it. I told them it was probably no big deal but I would go anyways just to make them happy. Well the dr. wouldn’t tell me anything for about an hour, all of this time I’m of course freaking out because they wouldn’t tell me anything. Well when they finally did get around to telling me anything, the look on the drs. face spoke a 1000 words before he even said one. I was such a reck on the phone when I called Charlie to tell him about my miscarrage that he drove all the way from Lexington just to make sure I was ok. He even appoligized for everything, and said that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to break up. I told him I would have to think about it when I could actually think straight again. Well me and him went for a long drive after that to basically clear our heads. I told him that I felt like it was my fault because I never really wanted the baby. He just said that it’s not my fault and that we may never know what caused it, and to just leave it up to everything happens in life for a reason. Even though I didn’t really want the baby it feels like I’ve lost a piece of myself that I can never get back. Well that’s the update for now.

The averageness of being me!

So, today was my second consecutive day off for this week. It was pretty boring even for me. I basically was so burnt out with having only gotten a couple of hours of sleep a night for the past week. I slept yesterday until like 8pm and today I slept until about 6pm. I have to get up early tomorrow because of it being pay day because I have massive amounts of bills that I have to pay and because I have to work from 3 to midnight tomorrow I have to be up around nine in the morning to go and pick up my check and get all of my bills paid before three when I have to be at work. Well on another note, I slept so late this morning that I missed a lot of calls. Well when I checked my voice mail so I could call everyone back and apologize for not answering when they called the first time. I saw that there was also a voice mail from Charles. I tried calling him back but it went straight to his voice mail. Well when I text messaged him thinking maybe he was just at work and couldn’t pick his phone up. He said he didn’t answer because he was at work just like I had thought but that he could text me if I wanted. Well I got to talking to him about everything that has been going on with me in the last couple of weeks. Including the massive morning sickness and not getting any sleep because every time I do go to sleep I start having these weird freaky dreams about jumping off cliffs and other stuff that is really starting to freak me out. He said that he was sorry and that he feels like this is his fault. I told him it wasn’t entirely his fault because as my mom loves to say it takes two to tango. I explained basically that while it kind of was his fault but that it was also my fault and that no one should take the blame for this because while we might see this as a mistake right now after the baby is born we will just see it as a unexpected blessing in disquise. I guess in a way this has made everything I have done in the past just kind of come in to prospective and make me think about everything that I do more and more now. Well that’s the update for now.