I went back to work today. I know I didn’t have too, because of everything that’s happened Liz (my manager) told me I could take the day off if I wanted to. But the truth is I didn’t want to be at home today to have to sit and think about it anymore. Charlie’s still in town, he called Lexington Prision, where he works as a gaurd, and told them he had an emergancy and had to stay in Ponca for a couple of days. He’s being so sweet, it kind of reminds me of the good ol’ days back before we broke up when he would hold me while I cried. He has actually been doing this because if I sit in silence for more then a couple of minutes I just burst out in tears. I just hope I run out of tears soon because I don’t think I can cry much more. He convencied Caity to not leave school in California to come down here, because he told her that he can handle it. At times I don’t know how he does. I mean the baby was just as much his as it was mine. I don’t know maybe it’s just easier for him because he wasn’t the one that was pregnant. He isn’t the one that has to worry about what the hell I did wrong to make this happen. Anyways, I have to get off of her before I start crying again.
A very sad day
June 23, 2008 at 9:54 am (Life, Saddness)
Tags: baby, Charlie, Lexington, miscarrage
So I went to the ER yesterday because I’ve been having really bad cramps. I only went because my mom and Charlie wouldn’t shut up about it. I told them it was probably no big deal but I would go anyways just to make them happy. Well the dr. wouldn’t tell me anything for about an hour, all of this time I’m of course freaking out because they wouldn’t tell me anything. Well when they finally did get around to telling me anything, the look on the drs. face spoke a 1000 words before he even said one. I was such a reck on the phone when I called Charlie to tell him about my miscarrage that he drove all the way from Lexington just to make sure I was ok. He even appoligized for everything, and said that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to break up. I told him I would have to think about it when I could actually think straight again. Well me and him went for a long drive after that to basically clear our heads. I told him that I felt like it was my fault because I never really wanted the baby. He just said that it’s not my fault and that we may never know what caused it, and to just leave it up to everything happens in life for a reason. Even though I didn’t really want the baby it feels like I’ve lost a piece of myself that I can never get back. Well that’s the update for now.
